O Nitai! Who am I to cause the slightest pain, discomfort, or sadness to your beloved devotees? Is there any greater misuse of my free will than this? What a fool I am!
He Nitai! No matter how much I try to serve you or please you, everything is useless unless I learn to please your devotees and serve them wholeheartedly with utmost respect.
He Nitai! I think I aspire to attain your love. But if I were really serious then I would not maintain so much envy and hatred towards your devotees.
A Vaishnav is not supposed to give pain to any living entity. But I’m such a wretch that I dare to cause pain and inconvenience to the rarest and holiest Nitaibhakts.
My casual behavior towards your devotees shows how low is my regard and devotion for you Nitai.
Narrotam das Thakhur says “Nitai pada sada karo ash”.. That is, 24*7 hanker for the attainment and service of Nitai’s lotus feet. I wish I could hanker like this for a single moment at least. But I have no time. I’m 24*7 engrossed in hankering for material pleasures and making unlimited plans for sense gratification and self-aggrandizement.
Nitai is there… Always there with us… 24 hours.. Every moment.. His affectionate presence is deeply rooted in our existence.. We neglect Him… We ignore Him.. He doesn’t… He is the only one accompanying us day and night in this deadly material ocean of darkness.. He is the only light with us removing all the fear of this all pervasive darkness… I wish I could appreciate His company a little more than seeking the company of other fallen souls who are themselves stuck in this dark ocean since time immemorial.. I wish I could rely fully on Nitai’s mercy for once.. I wish I could make Him my only love and wealth… I wish I could have these wishes in a more real sense.
Joy Doyal निताइ !
I forget you for lifetimes but You remember me every moment.. I reject You by asking for Your proof not knowing that You are the One giving me the intelligence to even remember my name.. What ability do I have to understand Your energies O Lord.. You are so close but still I can’t know You.. I’m too insignificant to fathom Your glories… Yet you make me feel special.. I hate myself for so many sins that I perform every moment… How can anyone possibly even look at me after knowing my truth? You are the only one who knows the complete truth and You are the only One who still looks at me with affection.. Can’t You see how fallen I am? Can’t You see that I’ll never improve? Why don’t You give up on me? Why do You still make me feel that everything is going to be alright? I know Bhakti is the greatest welfare activity but still I don’t have any genuine interest in it.. You came as Prabhupad to show me the right path… You have now come as Gurudev to take me to my destination.. I try to walk a little.. I fall down often… Every time I fall I get up.. not to fulfill Your expectations.. But to prove to the world.. That even a duplicitous devotee of Nitai can never fall down permanently.. To prove the world that I’m under the care of the most affectionate Father.. the most forgiving Master and the most encouraging Friend… Thanks for always being there.
Joy Doyal निताइ !