A Humble Confession to Doyal Nitai

:pray: O Nitai! Who am I to cause the slightest pain, discomfort, or sadness to your beloved devotees? Is there any greater misuse of my free will than this? What a fool I am!

:pray: He Nitai! No matter how much I try to serve you or please you, everything is useless unless I learn to please your devotees and serve them wholeheartedly with utmost respect.

:pray: He Nitai! I think I aspire to attain your love. But if I were really serious then I would not maintain so much envy and hatred towards your devotees.

:pray: A Vaishnav is not supposed to give pain to any living entity. But I’m such a wretch that I dare to cause pain and inconvenience to the rarest and holiest Nitaibhakts.

:pray: My casual behavior towards your devotees shows how low is my regard and devotion for you Nitai.

:hibiscus: Narrotam das Thakhur says “Nitai pada sada karo ash”.. That is, 24*7 hanker for the attainment and service of Nitai’s lotus feet. I wish I could hanker like this for a single moment at least. But I have no time. I’m 24*7 engrossed in hankering for material pleasures and making unlimited plans for sense gratification and self-aggrandizement.

The Lord of Mercy- Doyal Nitai!

karama geyana, kichu nahi mora,
sadhana bhajana nai
tumi krpa-moya, ami to kangala,
ahaituki krpa cai
(Bhajana Lalsa by Srila Bhaktivinoda Thakur)

What is Bhaktivinoda Thakur saying? He is saying that just accept that you can’t do sadhana, you can’t do bhajana, you don’t have karma, you don’t have jnana, you don’t have any qualification or yogyata to attain Gauranga and Radha-Shyama. You can only consider yourself as a kangaal and as a beggar and you can start begging for ahaituki kripa means causeless mercy because there is no cause to give you mercy. Even though he himself was performing a lot of sadhana but even if you perform sadhana, you should always consider your sadhana as zero. On the strength of sadhana, you can never attain the Lord. Sadhana is to keep you disciplined. Sadhana is to teach you, you know how to engage your senses in the service of the Lord. But attainment of the Lord is impossible without mercy. And who is the Lord of mercy? Doyal Nitai! So-

heno nitai bine bhai, radha-krishna paite nai
dridha kori’ dharo nitair pay
(Nitai Pada Kamla by Srila Narottama Das Thakur)

nitaiyer charana satya, tahara sevaka nitya,
nitai-pada sada koro asa

And drdha kori dharo nitaira paya and then he is saying dharo nitaiyer charana du’ khani. And in the first line he is saying nitai-pada-kamala. This entire bhajana is you know full of Nitai’s charana. Everywhere he is first of all saying that Nitai’s Lotus feet are more cooling than millions of moons. Then he is saying without Nitai you cannot attain Radha-Krishna, so ‘catch’ Nitai’s Lotus feet. Then he is saying that when Nitai will be merciful on you, then you will automatically attain Vraja dhama, you will see the chinmaya dhama, you will see the real dhama. Your transcendental eyes, senses will awaken and you will see Radha and Krishna. braje radha-krsna pabe. So dharo nitaiyer charana du’ khani. Then he is saying that nitai-pada sada koro asa. Then in the last line he is saying narottama bodo duhkhi, nitai more koro sukhi; rakho ranga-charanera pasa. The entire bhajana means take shelter of Nitai. The entire bhajana the only crux, the jist of the bhajana is that just take shelter of Nitai. Lotus Feet means you have to take the shelter of entire Nitai. You cannot take the shelter of Lotus feet exclusively. You have to take shelter of Nitai. Narottama Dasa Thakur is saying.

He was the Supreme Personality of Godhead and He had no shame, no hesitation, no ego when he went from door to door and he was begging. The Supreme Personality of Godhead, Sakshat Balrama Sarva Shaktidhara, omnipresent, omnipotent, omniscient, He was not having any ego in begging and we fallen souls, we vibhinamsha, tathastha shakti, badha jiva, badha souls, we have ego that too in front of the Lord. We may have ego in front of some ordinary person. But why are we having ego in front of the Supreme Personality of Godhead who had no ego in begging from us? He was begging from us and we can’t beg from Him? That is very shameful. So we should not request, we should beg Nitai.

Overcoming Material Desires

  • Dogs are more loyal than me. Cow eaters are less sinful than me. I may try to hide as much as I want but the fact is that I’m a wretch. I’m a good-for-nothing chap but still Nitai somehow engages me in His service to forcefully deliver me.
  • My Guru is bona fide, but I’m not a bona fide disciple.
  • Everyone is tested according to one’s capacity and level. Just like Guru and Vaishnav Aparadh is much more dangerous than the worst material sins similarly a desire which is unfavorable to Guru and Vaishnavs is much more worse than the worst kind of material desires.
  • May I never think of leaving this mission, even in dreams, to waste my life in another futile attempt of trying to enjoy in this material world.

Nitai is There With Us 24*7

Nitai is there… Always there with us… 24 hours.. Every moment.. His affectionate presence is deeply rooted in our existence.. We neglect Him… We ignore Him.. He doesn’t… He is the only one accompanying us day and night in this deadly material ocean of darkness.. He is the only light with us removing all the fear of this all pervasive darkness… I wish I could appreciate His company a little more than seeking the company of other fallen souls who are themselves stuck in this dark ocean since time immemorial.. I wish I could rely fully on Nitai’s mercy for once.. I wish I could make Him my only love and wealth… I wish I could have these wishes in a more real sense.

Joy Doyal निताइ !

A Heartfelt Prayer to Nitai


I forget you for lifetimes but You remember me every moment.. I reject You by asking for Your proof not knowing that You are the One giving me the intelligence to even remember my name.. What ability do I have to understand Your energies O Lord.. You are so close but still I can’t know You.. I’m too insignificant to fathom Your glories… Yet you make me feel special.. I hate myself for so many sins that I perform every moment… How can anyone possibly even look at me after knowing my truth? You are the only one who knows the complete truth and You are the only One who still looks at me with affection.. Can’t You see how fallen I am? Can’t You see that I’ll never improve? Why don’t You give up on me? Why do You still make me feel that everything is going to be alright? I know Bhakti is the greatest welfare activity but still I don’t have any genuine interest in it.. You came as Prabhupad to show me the right path… You have now come as Gurudev to take me to my destination.. I try to walk a little.. I fall down often… Every time I fall I get up.. not to fulfill Your expectations.. But to prove to the world.. That even a duplicitous devotee of Nitai can never fall down permanently.. To prove the world that I’m under the care of the most affectionate Father.. the most forgiving Master and the most encouraging Friend… Thanks for always being there.

Joy Doyal निताइ !